She wasn’t even talking to me. But what she said made something ugly rise up in me.
I was intruding on a nearby conversation (a bad habit of mine) when she shared with her friends the amazing opportunity she was hoping to embark on soon. They ooh-ed and aah-ed and excitedly asked her more questions. I just saw green.
I didn’t even know her, but now I disliked her.
I disliked her for the simple fact that I was jealous of her. I was jealous of the opportunity she was getting that I desperately wanted. I was jealous of the fact that she was going to do things and go places in life that I wanted to experience too. I was jealous of her because, at that point, life didn’t seem fair.
I’m ashamed to say it now, but my insecurities about my own future allowed me to envy and even object to someone else stepping into a great opportunity. My wrong understanding of what I need to fulfil God's purpose in me allowed my heart to harden and become bitter.
The truth is, I think that I need certain opportunities, prospects, experiences and openings for God to be able to use me or for the dreams in my heart to come to pass.
The truth is, I think that I need to follow a certain path or fit a certain model.
The truth is, I think that I will be left on the side lines, being a spectator until these things happen for me.
But the truth is…this isn’t true at all.
Within about 5 seconds of seeing green I realised exactly what was going on inside my heart. I realised that my insecurities, my fears, my lack of understanding and faith in how God works was making me ugly. And I chose there and then that I didn’t want to be ugly.
I don’t always understand how God works, how His timing is perfect, how He provides and equips. But I am choosing to live under His guidance and to do life His way. I am choosing to leave behind my preconceived ideas of what I need to do or how I need to get there. I am choosing to celebrate with those who are released into great opportunities. I am choosing to believe that God knows exactly what I need and how I need it, and that it may be very different from those around me.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.