Monday, 22 February 2010

Stress Head

Ahh! I feel like I have so much to do this week and so little time!

We're off to celebrate a big family birthday at Center Parcs this weekend...very nice.
But I have tons of stuff to do and get ready and pack before Thursday and not much free time to do it all in...not nice.

I'm starting to get a little stressed about getting everything done...and still remaining sane!
Like, all the washing I need to do. Having a limited maternity wardrobe is sometimes helpful (i.e. I won't spend hours deciding what to pack) but sometimes it isn't (i.e. I feel like I'm washing the same few clothes all the time!)
Like, the drying and ironing of all the washing that I need to do. Maybe on this occasion I can forgo the ironing and do it when we get there (my fussy perfectionist self can't believe I'm even suggesting this!)
Like, filing my nails. They're growing so fast at the moment (thank you pregnant body) but I can't file them in close proximity to the husband...he hates the sound. And I happen to be spending every evening with the lovely chap this week! I might have to resort to locking myself in the bathroom to do it!
Like, packing! With pregnancy brain at an all time high I am convinced that I am going to forget something/many things! I think I need to make a list (I love lists!)

Work is crazy busy this week with a client meeting and lots of deadlines to meet and numbers to crunch and designs to draw (which is why I'm writing this instead...erm!)
And we have something going on every evening this week until Thursday (maybe my small group will help me iron/pack?!)

When will I sleep?!?!
When will I eat?!?!

I have managed to paint my toes nails...bigger achievement than it sounds! And my cake baking went down very well at work today (despite several near disastrous moments in the kitchen yesterday!)
And somehow, getting some of my stress out here has helped me calm down a little. Like therapy!

Now, where to start with that list......?!

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Happy 1st Birthday!

Well, as of today this blog has existed/been alive for one whole year! I can't quite believe it!
12 whole months of my ramblings and randomness!

I'm not sure if it was the excitment of Pancake Day yesterday or the knowledge that today was a blogiversary...but Baby E treated me yesterday and I was able to get a great video of some wriggling!
So, to celebrate today's anniversary, here is one wriggly baby!

I wonder what the next 12 months will hold, and what will make it onto the blog?!

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Tummy Tuesday - 31 & 32 weeks

I seem to be getting into the habit of taking the photos each week but not reporting on them for two weeks. Maybe I should rename this 'Two-weekly Tummy Tuesday' but that would be a bit of a mouthful!

Anyhow, on to the important this is last week's photo at 31 weeks.
IMG_1243 (1)

And this is this week's at 32 weeks.
IMG_1245 (1)

There doesn't seem to be that much difference between the two this time, but today I feel like I've expanded by another 2 inches or so over night!

Other things of note this week:
- I am still sporting an 'inny' belly button much to my surprise.
- I really need to paint my toenails this weekend:
a) before I go to Center Parcs next weekend and
b) before I can no longer reach them!
- I am being taught by my unborn child to sit up properly. Whenever I slouch I get a kick/punch/nudge/wriggle in the ribs!
- I still haven't managed to video any wriggles. I will try harder this weekend!

This last week has also brought the arrival of the first stretch mark...which made me cry!
I had a huge battle with myself about the whole thing but I think I'm getting over it now...kinda.
I'm saving my thoughts on this for another time. I don't think they're profound...just too long to add onto here!

Anyway, more is pancake day! Yay!
I can't wait to get home and munch on lots of pancakey goodness :)
(And obviously think serious thoughts about lent!)

Happy Pancake Day xxx

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Being with You

To my soul mate,

I just love being with you.

Thank you for everything.

Your ever grateful wife xxx

Thursday, 11 February 2010

The Renewal

Ok, so recently I’ve been a little down on myself.
I am grateful for the work that God is doing in me and how He is revealing some of the stuff in my heart. It’s hard and pretty messy, but it’s also necessary.

God is taking the time to do a few things in me. To deconstruct the wrong thoughts, beliefs and ideas I have about myself. To heal the hurts and brokenness this wrong thinking has caused. And to reveal my true identity.

My character, personality and uniqueness. As He sees it…in His own words…

For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.
Deuteronomy 7:6

I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
Isaiah 41:9

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
Ephesians 1:11-12

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.
2 Samuel 22:20

The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.
Psalm 147:11

For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.
Psalm 149:4

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honour him, for he is your lord.
Psalm 45:11

God told them, "I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!”
Jeremiah 31:3

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:14

Are there areas that God needs to work in you?
To deconstruct wrong beliefs?
To heal any hurts?
To reveal your true identity?

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

The Mooditude

Yesterday, someone did something very nice for me. They included me and went out of their way to let me know they were thinking of me and wanted to be with me.

But because things didn’t go completely how I wanted, I left with a stinking moody attitude. I went home with a big fat mooditude*.

I’ve come to realise that I struggle with feelings of being rejected. I know in my head that I am loved and that there are lots of people in my life who love me and want to spend time with me. But I get so easily upset in my heart if I feel that someone is choosing to do something else, or be somewhere else rather than being with me.

For some reason I think that it is my fault. I think there is something wrong or undesirable about me. I feel that if I was different, if I was better then this wouldn’t be a problem. People would want to spend time with me more than anything else or anyone else.

I struggle with this so much that on occasion I have allowed it to affect my mood, my attitude, my heart. And I have given it permission to mess up times, moments and occasions which were actually really nice. Like last night (insert gestures indicating frustration at self, such as banging head against wall, slapping forehead etc etc!)

So I’m asking God to heal my hurt in this area. To fix my brokenness and restore my wrong thinking about myself. In fact, to stop always thinking about myself!

I’m asking God (and my enduring husband) to forgive my awful, rotten mooditude.

And I’m asking God to give me more of His grace for myself and for others.

I’m so grateful that God is so gracious and patient with us. Can you imagine if God got into a mooditude every time we chose to do something else or spend time with someone else over Him? Every time we didn’t go out of our way to let Him know He is number 1 in our lives? Every time we don't recognise when He shows us how much He loves us and wants to spend time with us? I think I’d always be in His bad books!!!

*yes, this is a word…I know cos I just made it up. And I’m allowed to do that cos this is my blog!!!

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Going Nowhere

I can’t run on a treadmill. At all. It’s true!

It’s not just that I don’t like running on a treadmill, or I find it hard to run on a treadmill. I actually can’t run on a treadmill. At all. I find it impossible!

Don’t believe me? Ask the guy at the running shop where I bought my trainers! I felt like a right wally that day! I don’t know what was worse…demonstrating my complete lack of ability to run on a treadmill, or running up and down the street outside with my trousers tucked in my socks so that the guy (and everyone else sitting in the traffic) could watch me run!

I’m not sure if it’s a mental thing. You see, I don’t really see the point of running on a treadmill. It seems a little unnatural to me to run and not go anywhere. For the ‘ground’ to be moving but you’re staying still. To be working so hard and going great distances, but be inside and surrounded by the same things.

When I run I like to run outside, I like to take in the surroundings and enjoy the view. Even though I start and finish at the same place I like to feel that I have been somewhere. I like to see my progress in physical terms, in relation to landmarks. I like to run with friends, to have a natter and a giggle and enjoy the company.

I’m not a massive runner. I trained for 5 months to run 5.5 miles of the Edinburgh marathon last year. And that was an effort. Then I got pregnant and just getting out of bed became my daily exercise!!!

Anyway, I was thinking about some of the recent teaching at church on flying. Or rather the bit about not flying but ‘taxiing’. The idea that we have the potential to fly, we know about flight, but we spend our life sat on the runway not actually flying.

This really struck a chord with me. Well actually, it really hurt to hear it. To know that this is how I feel and that, to be honest, it sucks. But it also hurt because I feel like I have been working hard trying to fly but not really getting anywhere. A bit like an aeroplane ‘flapping’ its wings to get off the ground! Totally ridiculous!

God spoke to me in the last few days. He showed me a picture of someone running on a treadmill. I laughed as I thought about my inability to do such a simple thing and God spoke to me some more.

I was not created to run on a treadmill (thank goodness!). I was not created to work so hard and yet not go anywhere. And I was not created to wear myself out trying!

I was created to fly! I was created to go somewhere, see some things and have some great company along the way.
But with God being my energy, power, strength, lift, ability, source, guide and pilot, not me.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Tummy Tuesday - 29 & 30 weeks

I was bad last week, and though I took photos of the tummy I never got round to uploading them. So this week there is a slight catch up.

The first two photos are from last week - at 29 weeks. There's the standard side on view along with a slightly different angle...just for a change!

IMG_1234 (1)
(Please ignore the messy hair and slightly gormless look!)

Then this one is this week's entry - 30 weeks!
IMG_1240 (1)

So that means...10 weeks until the due date! I can count that down on my fingers and thumbs! That makes it slightly scary and real and close! (I am aware that the likelihood of it arriving on it's due date is slim to none but that just makes it all a bit more scary!)

Other things of note this week:
- I wish I'd documented what has turned out to be the fascinating changes of my belly button (for my personal entertainment only)! Seriously, I had no idea a single belly button could change shape, size and form so much. So far it's still an inny...but I think the progression to an outy is not far away!
- I have tried in vain to capture the various wriggles and kicks for your viewing pleasure, but it would appear that my unborn child is as camera shy as it's mother. It's also too smart for it's own good already and always stops wriggling just as I press record on the camera. How on earth does it know?!
- oh yeah, and I've started to get to the point where certain parts of getting dressed and undressed are a bit more tricky than usual! Putting on socks and shoes is a particular effort. And, as I found out in the middle of the supermarket the other day, picking pennies up off the floor is a complete faff and totally not worth the struggle. If only I'd known it was just a penny before I made such a plonker of myself!

Happy Tuesdays xxx

Monday, 1 February 2010

Flying, Fears and Bumble Bees

How would I define the last few days?
With tears and snot and lots of tissues. With confusion, frustration and lots of struggling. With openness and hurts and lots of vulnerability.

"Life is about change. Sometimes its painful, sometimes its beautiful but most of the time its both." ~ Smallville*

To be honest, it’s been longer than the last few days. But every now and then the pain of change comes to a point where it needs to be released and the tears start to flow, and don’t always seem to stop.

I’m grateful for the great teaching we are receiving at church right now. For the challenge to work through and break down those things that keep us bound so that we can fly.
And I’m grateful for the challenge from Bianca to be honest about ourselves and our struggles. For the call to face our fears and be real, genuine, authentic.
I’m grateful for the work that God is doing in me and hopefully through me. Revealing the ungodly beliefs and insecurities, restoring my true identity, healing my pain and fears.

But flippin’ ‘eck! It’s tough. And it hurts. And it leaves no space for false masks and cover ups. The tears would only soak through anyway!

Slowly I’m learning to let go of the things the world says I can and can’t do. I’m learning to listen to what God thinks of me, not others. I’m learning to live according to His potential in me. Free, unbound and flying.

“Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn’t know that so it keeps flying anyway” ~Mary Kay Ash

Bumbly Bee

*I would just like it to be known that I don’t actually watch smallville, I’m too old and uncool for that. But I read this quote somewhere else and had to use it and I’m too honest to let people think I came up with it myself!