Yesterday, someone did something very nice for me. They included me and went out of their way to let me know they were thinking of me and wanted to be with me.
But because things didn’t go completely how I wanted, I left with a stinking moody attitude. I went home with a big fat mooditude*.
I’ve come to realise that I struggle with feelings of being rejected. I know in my head that I am loved and that there are lots of people in my life who love me and want to spend time with me. But I get so easily upset in my heart if I feel that someone is choosing to do something else, or be somewhere else rather than being with me.
For some reason I think that it is my fault. I think there is something wrong or undesirable about me. I feel that if I was different, if I was better then this wouldn’t be a problem. People would want to spend time with me more than anything else or anyone else.
I struggle with this so much that on occasion I have allowed it to affect my mood, my attitude, my heart. And I have given it permission to mess up times, moments and occasions which were actually really nice. Like last night (insert gestures indicating frustration at self, such as banging head against wall, slapping forehead etc etc!)
So I’m asking God to heal my hurt in this area. To fix my brokenness and restore my wrong thinking about myself. In fact, to stop always thinking about myself!
I’m asking God (and my enduring husband) to forgive my awful, rotten mooditude.
And I’m asking God to give me more of His grace for myself and for others.
I’m so grateful that God is so gracious and patient with us. Can you imagine if God got into a mooditude every time we chose to do something else or spend time with someone else over Him? Every time we didn’t go out of our way to let Him know He is number 1 in our lives? Every time we don't recognise when He shows us how much He loves us and wants to spend time with us? I think I’d always be in His bad books!!!
*yes, this is a word…I know cos I just made it up. And I’m allowed to do that cos this is my blog!!!