Why, oh why?

300 blog posts and nearly 4 years later...and I'm still here. Still blogging. Still trying to make sense of something.

Time has become limited, and the writing has become a bit more blah. And what is the purpose of this?
Why still find time, make time, to share thoughts?

Am I driven by the thought of having 'followers'? Probably.
Is it just another branch of attention seeking? Probably.
Has it benefitted me or anyone else? Not sure.

You see, in some ways I feel that I'm still the same person that started typing 4 years ago. I still struggle enormously with comparison and envy (to a ridiculous degree). I should know better, but I trip often.
The internet is a minefield when it comes to forming a healthy identity and being rooted in it.
And yet I can be found meandering through this minefield far too often.

Scripture, on the other hand, is a healing balm. Speaking truth, value and love to a mixed up soul. And yet, I don't spend the same time digging into its depth, bathing in its peace, digesting its truths.

And I still find myself speaking kindness with one breath and judgement with the next? Being too quick to speak and not listen. Too fast to offer an opinion, too slow to show grace.

You see, I long to bring truth and hope to women. To encourage them. To build community. To show them love and kindness. To lead them to the one who gives life in all its fullness. The one who will inspire them and spark a fire in their hearts. The one who will give them a purpose. To help them build a relationship with Him.

And I'd love to be part of a gathering of women. Where we draw alongside one another. Share hopes, fears, dreams, struggles. Rejoice together, cry together, walk together, kneel together. Build kingdom together. Extend love together. Bring change together.

But I know that my tongue and personal battles are all tied up in this too.

I was challenged by the concept of choosing to be a woman who ministers, as opposed to a woman in ministry.
That sounds more like what Jesus commissioned us to do. But I know that my motives often get mixed up. Pride is such a difficult thing!

It's a good job this life is a journey and that we can take it one step at a time...together.

12 in 2012...minus 10

If I'm totally honest, I knew that attempting to tackle 12 goals at once in one year was never going to end well. What can I say? I aim high!

Things were already becoming unstuck by March, then we found out I was pregnant. Throwing up constantly for almost 12 weeks and falling alseep whenever I was still for longer than 10 seconds didn't help (I know, excuses, excuses)!

But I still hoped to get back on track. Then we found out we were going to have twins, and I made the very sensible decision to leave my 12 things at the feet of God and only allow his expectations of me to define the next season of my life (this is a work in progress, by the way).

In my defence however, I have managed to craft a bit more over the last few months (no photos I'm afraid) and have made some lovely bunting out of a couple of saris I've had for years. And, thanks to the good weather, I wore a dress for three days in a row a couple of weeks ago!

However, rather than continue on completely goal-less, I have reduced my ambitions to the following...

1. To love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind.

2. To love my family, friends and those I 'do life with'.

and 3. To be more willing to ask for help and support and not try to 'soldier on' and cope with things.

I think these will be more than enough for 2012...and beyond!


I am still hoping to continue with the 12 classic films in 2012. So far we've watched Rain Man and Spinal Tap (Phil's choice, surprisingly I'd already seen it). I am working through previous recommendations but others are warmly welcomed!

Learning to Love

This weekend while listening to the sermon at church I was reminded why I chose to call this blog ‘learning to love’. The preacher discussed some of the lessons we can learn from the story of the prodigal son, and I was once again touched by the response of a father to his wayward son. A response of love.

I believe in a God who is love. And although I don’t always understand or completely comprehend what that means I know that it means more than the gooey lovey-dovey stuff we see in romantic films and cringe over on Valentine’s Day. I know that God’s love caused Him to make the ultimate sacrifice so that I could have a hope and a future and a relationship with Him.

This love is more than just nice words and thoughtful gifts. This love changes hearts and attitudes. This love supports, encourages and inspires. This love forgives and then forgives again and again. This love remembers no wrong. This love protects and trusts and hopes. This love is selfless. (See 1 Corinthians 13 for more about this love)

But although I am made in His image, this is not always the love that I show.

The love that I show is not consistent, dependable or unfailing.
The love that I show can vary, have no integrity, and be solely based around my own feelings.
The love that I show can be selfish and greedy.
The love that I show can be anything but love.

But I have hope. I hope that my God, who is love, can teach me how to love. To really love. To love like He loves.

So I have dedicated my life to learning to love.

To love when I don’t feel like it.
To love when I don’t think it’s fair.
To love regardless of what I can get out of it.
To love when it’s hard as I do when it’s easy.
To love when it’s not cool.
To love when it’s costly.

To love people as God loves them.

x

Why?

So, I wasn’t sure if I should have written this post when I started blogging, but I didn’t, I just started. And now I’m not sure if I need to write it at all, if anyone is really bothered, if anyone even reads the things I write here!

But because I want to, and because I can if I want to, I’m going to write it now…and explain a little about why I blog.
There are many reasons why I thought having a blog would be a good idea…so in no particular order here are some of my thoughts…

1. I like to think and I like to write. Having a blog gives me the space to write down my thoughts, and my thoughts about my thoughts. To explore the things going on in my head. That’s how I learn and understand. And documenting it helps me to see my journey, my progress, my growth.

2. I like to dream and to hope. A blog provides an outlet for my hopes and dreams to become more, to take form and to grow.

3. I like to be inspired. By words, pictures, people, places…all sorts of things can ignite a spark in me. This blog offers a space to record those things that catch my eye, my ear and my heart. Those things that pull on something inside and inspire me to grow, change, step out of my comfort zone, be creative and experience life. And maybe I can inspire someone else too.

4. I like to be creative. I just can’t help it. Whether with art or words or other little things, I like to create, to experiment, to try. I enjoy the creativeness of an amazing God and I enjoy the creative heart he has placed in me. I love photography although I’m only a complete beginner. This blog allows me to share my endeavours and plot my experiments and progress as I get out and about with my camera. I enjoy sewing and making things and hopefully I’ll be able to share some of that on here too. (I also like dancing but my dancing creations only make an appearance at very, very special occasions!)

5. I like to share. I don’t know what it is about me, but when I see something that touches me, challenges me or something I enjoy, I can’t shut up about it! Ask my husband…he knows how much I can talk about things! I just like to share things, even the things that go on in my head! So this is also a space where I can share. I only write about the things above because I want to share them…my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my inspirations, my creations…shared with you.

So, there you have it…some of the reasons why I blog.