Why, oh why?

300 blog posts and nearly 4 years later...and I'm still here. Still blogging. Still trying to make sense of something.

Time has become limited, and the writing has become a bit more blah. And what is the purpose of this?
Why still find time, make time, to share thoughts?

Am I driven by the thought of having 'followers'? Probably.
Is it just another branch of attention seeking? Probably.
Has it benefitted me or anyone else? Not sure.

You see, in some ways I feel that I'm still the same person that started typing 4 years ago. I still struggle enormously with comparison and envy (to a ridiculous degree). I should know better, but I trip often.
The internet is a minefield when it comes to forming a healthy identity and being rooted in it.
And yet I can be found meandering through this minefield far too often.

Scripture, on the other hand, is a healing balm. Speaking truth, value and love to a mixed up soul. And yet, I don't spend the same time digging into its depth, bathing in its peace, digesting its truths.

And I still find myself speaking kindness with one breath and judgement with the next? Being too quick to speak and not listen. Too fast to offer an opinion, too slow to show grace.

You see, I long to bring truth and hope to women. To encourage them. To build community. To show them love and kindness. To lead them to the one who gives life in all its fullness. The one who will inspire them and spark a fire in their hearts. The one who will give them a purpose. To help them build a relationship with Him.

And I'd love to be part of a gathering of women. Where we draw alongside one another. Share hopes, fears, dreams, struggles. Rejoice together, cry together, walk together, kneel together. Build kingdom together. Extend love together. Bring change together.

But I know that my tongue and personal battles are all tied up in this too.

I was challenged by the concept of choosing to be a woman who ministers, as opposed to a woman in ministry.
That sounds more like what Jesus commissioned us to do. But I know that my motives often get mixed up. Pride is such a difficult thing!

It's a good job this life is a journey and that we can take it one step at a time...together.

I'd rather be...honest

"I don't know how you do it!"

That's something I've heard a few times over the last few weeks.
And if I'm honest, I don't know either.
In fact, I don't think I do 'do it' or am 'doing it' at all!

I cry at least once a day. And not a cute emotional cry.
An 'oh my word, what am I doing? How am I even functioning? DON'T PUT THAT TOY IN MY DRINK!' pretty ugly, and usually selfish, cry.

I usually work out my tiredness and frustration on my four boys and they definitely do not get the best of me.
(I thank God daily for His grace in this area, and another day to grow better as a mum and wife)

And if I'm totally honest...I spend parts of my day thinking about all the things I don't get chance to do with three little ones around. All the things I would do if I had more time. If my time was 'mine'.

I saw some of these mugs a while ago, and actually bought a few for Christmas presents. They made me think, and I wondered how many hours I spend thinking about things I'd rather be doing.

Then I read this blog post and was very convicted.

While I may not be hoping to pastor a megachurch, I have been having an internal battle with the things that have been developing in my heart. My hopes and dreams. Dreams I believe God has placed on my heart, but that I'm struggling to 'see'.

If I'm honest, sometimes I struggle with the reality of my days in the here-and-now and can be found longing for something else, something more. And trying to figure out how I can make it happen.
If I'm honest, I've become one of those married women with kids who actually has moments of envying all the single ladies, when about 7 years ago all I did was the opposite.
If I'm honest, I know how stupid this sounds...please don't stone me...but I can't be the only one who struggles with this.

While reading Mark 9 this week I made a note of verse 24:
'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'

My prayer at the moment I think is, 'I am happy; help me overcome my discontent!'

How can I be faithful with where God has me right now? With what God has given me today?
How do I learn to leave it in God's hands and be happy with that? To not try and be in control and make things work out how I think they should?

How did Paul learn to be content...and how do we?
I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Philippians 4:10-12

I believe it has something to do with Eucharisteo (thanksgiving, grace, joy) and hope to find out more this year.

2013 - looking forward

We're having a great time celebrating Christmas here with my family. I've not taken many photos as I'm just trying to enjoy the moments as they come and go.
I'm overwhelmed and so very grateful for a very generous family and friends. And I'm being very blessed by a husband who loves to cook amazing food!

In 3 days I'll turn 30...shock horror! I know most people think I'm older than that already so no-one is really that shocked! But it's one of those ages that prompts people to slow down a little and think about life and things. Having a birthday just before New Year always causes me to be a bit reflective and consider things as we move forward. And this year is no different.

Last year I started out being very ambitious. Just more evidence of my efforts to try and be all things, and have completely unrealistic expectations of myself. Let's just say...I learnt a lot last year, and having more realistic expectations was part of that! Now having three boys under the age of three also helps with this!

So this year I'm going to take my time to focus on just two things...


Eucharisteo
Eshet chayil

Two things that have been inspired by books I have read recently, and other things that have been stirring, speaking and calling to my heart.

I'll expand more over the next few weeks, but just a brief introduction of each...

Eucharisteo
Inspired by 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp
 - grace, thanksgiving, joy
I hope to grow in giving thanks for all that God has given, all of His gifts, in every part of my life.
I hope to spend time in the Word studying and learning about thanks and thanksgiving.
I hope to grow in my understanding of grace and joy.

Eshet chayil
Inspired by 'A Year of Biblical Womanhood' by Rachel Held Evans
- Woman of Valour
I hope to grow more in my understanding of who I am in God and my value in Him.
I hope to spend time building relationships and community with the women placed around me.
I hope to build up, encourage and cheer on women in my life.

So, Happy Boxing Day everyone and here's looking forward to 2013!
xxx