Saturday, 12 January 2013

I'd rather be...honest

"I don't know how you do it!"

That's something I've heard a few times over the last few weeks.
And if I'm honest, I don't know either.
In fact, I don't think I do 'do it' or am 'doing it' at all!

I cry at least once a day. And not a cute emotional cry.
An 'oh my word, what am I doing? How am I even functioning? DON'T PUT THAT TOY IN MY DRINK!' pretty ugly, and usually selfish, cry.

I usually work out my tiredness and frustration on my four boys and they definitely do not get the best of me.
(I thank God daily for His grace in this area, and another day to grow better as a mum and wife)

And if I'm totally honest...I spend parts of my day thinking about all the things I don't get chance to do with three little ones around. All the things I would do if I had more time. If my time was 'mine'.

I saw some of these mugs a while ago, and actually bought a few for Christmas presents. They made me think, and I wondered how many hours I spend thinking about things I'd rather be doing.

Then I read this blog post and was very convicted.

While I may not be hoping to pastor a megachurch, I have been having an internal battle with the things that have been developing in my heart. My hopes and dreams. Dreams I believe God has placed on my heart, but that I'm struggling to 'see'.

If I'm honest, sometimes I struggle with the reality of my days in the here-and-now and can be found longing for something else, something more. And trying to figure out how I can make it happen.
If I'm honest, I've become one of those married women with kids who actually has moments of envying all the single ladies, when about 7 years ago all I did was the opposite.
If I'm honest, I know how stupid this sounds...please don't stone me...but I can't be the only one who struggles with this.

While reading Mark 9 this week I made a note of verse 24:
'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'

My prayer at the moment I think is, 'I am happy; help me overcome my discontent!'

How can I be faithful with where God has me right now? With what God has given me today?
How do I learn to leave it in God's hands and be happy with that? To not try and be in control and make things work out how I think they should?

How did Paul learn to be content...and how do we?
I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Philippians 4:10-12

I believe it has something to do with Eucharisteo (thanksgiving, grace, joy) and hope to find out more this year.
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1 comment:

Laura Anne said...

Thank you for your honesty. I do find it a little crazy how many single ladies have been on the 'other side' and think that marriage and parenting is the wonderful milk & honey thing. I really do know that it isn't like that as I'm lucky enough to have some very transparent married and/or parenting friends. The times where I envy the people who aren't single (especially as I potentially face some big decisions and challenges - there's that wee bit of me that goes 'Oh, those people are so lucky to have someone to do it together with') please know that I also realise the gifts of singleness too! my hope is that I can use that gift unselfishly.

And you are definitely not the only one who struggles with it.