Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Why, oh why?

300 blog posts and nearly 4 years later...and I'm still here. Still blogging. Still trying to make sense of something.

Time has become limited, and the writing has become a bit more blah. And what is the purpose of this?
Why still find time, make time, to share thoughts?

Am I driven by the thought of having 'followers'? Probably.
Is it just another branch of attention seeking? Probably.
Has it benefitted me or anyone else? Not sure.

You see, in some ways I feel that I'm still the same person that started typing 4 years ago. I still struggle enormously with comparison and envy (to a ridiculous degree). I should know better, but I trip often.
The internet is a minefield when it comes to forming a healthy identity and being rooted in it.
And yet I can be found meandering through this minefield far too often.

Scripture, on the other hand, is a healing balm. Speaking truth, value and love to a mixed up soul. And yet, I don't spend the same time digging into its depth, bathing in its peace, digesting its truths.

And I still find myself speaking kindness with one breath and judgement with the next? Being too quick to speak and not listen. Too fast to offer an opinion, too slow to show grace.

You see, I long to bring truth and hope to women. To encourage them. To build community. To show them love and kindness. To lead them to the one who gives life in all its fullness. The one who will inspire them and spark a fire in their hearts. The one who will give them a purpose. To help them build a relationship with Him.

And I'd love to be part of a gathering of women. Where we draw alongside one another. Share hopes, fears, dreams, struggles. Rejoice together, cry together, walk together, kneel together. Build kingdom together. Extend love together. Bring change together.

But I know that my tongue and personal battles are all tied up in this too.

I was challenged by the concept of choosing to be a woman who ministers, as opposed to a woman in ministry.
That sounds more like what Jesus commissioned us to do. But I know that my motives often get mixed up. Pride is such a difficult thing!

It's a good job this life is a journey and that we can take it one step at a time...together.

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