…what a way to make a living, eh?!
Since moving up north nearly a year ago, I haven’t ever really felt settled at work. Due to some unforeseen circumstances in the few weeks before the move, I found myself having to look for another job and I’ve come to realise that I’m only just starting to reconcile the whole situation in my head.
I was very fortunate and managed to secure more than one offer of employment. But then this only added to the dilemma by creating a decision I didn’t previously have to make. After a bit of ‘eeny, meeny, miny, mo-ing’…ok, so I made my decision a bit more logically than that…we relocated to Edinburgh and I began my new job.
At first, I was aware that I was still struggling a bit with the situation, and I actually still felt hurt over the circumstances. But I got on with the team well and began to make friends and settle. I took on new roles and responsibilities and brought some of the experience from my previous employment to help the team develop and improve.
Part of the problem is that as I’ve come to know myself better I’ve come to a realisation that engineering is not where my heart is at. I find it interesting and I can do the work, but I don’t really have a passion for it. It doesn’t ignite a spark in me.
Another part of the problem is that I struggle with some of the systems and procedures in place in the office. I find they lack common sense and are often complicated to use. Sometimes they’re just backwards. I find this more difficult because I was fortunate enough to work for a company who did this well, a company who were proactive, encouraging, and a team that was lead well and with enthusiasm. And now I notice when things fall short of how they could be done. I find it frustrating.
But as I sat in a rather boring part of a training course today, I realised that part of the problem is also my reluctance to settle. I realised that for some reason I have always viewed this job as a temporary position. I don’t think I have ever considered that this job would be for life.
I don’t believe that this is a life career for me. I believe that there are many other things in my future that will take me away from the desk occupying role I have right now. And I’m happy about that. I know that this is a season in my life for this moment.
But what if my reluctance to settle, to commit to this job in a long term sense is hindering my performance right now? Is my short term productivity being hampered by my focus being elsewhere? How can I be happy and settle where I am now and give it my best without feeling like I’m settling for less or giving up my dreams? How can I get past the annoyances and frustrations of the day-to-day grind when I’d rather be somewhere else? How can I best serve my colleagues and clients each day when my heart, and sometimes my mind, is not really in it?
Just some of the questions in my head right now…