I don’t know why, but recently I have been struggling to be at church or come home from church without crying. Sometimes crying lots.
Now I’m generally a crier anyway. Soppy films, weddings, lovely emails...all get my tear ducts going. And I know that being pregnant probably won’t help, but I just don’t feel that this is a hormonal or emotion thing.
I have cried practically every time I have been to mbc, from our initial visits while we still lived in Yorkshire, right through to us moving here, joining the church and becoming part of the family. I have felt a whole mixture of things over the last 18 months – lost, alone, challenged, encouraged, overwhelmed, befriended, stretched, comforted, challenged some more. It has been hard…and I have cried lots.
But the last few weeks my tears have felt different. I can’t really explain or describe it. I don’t really understand it myself. I just have a sense that there is something more. More friendships to be made, more experiences to be had, more life to live, more fullness to be had. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, or why it is, but I feel it.
On one hand I feel anxious. I don’t really like the unknown, plus I struggle to feel like I’m stuck, like things are all unclear and I don’t know what to do. But on the other hand I feel quite excited. I know that the future has good things in store and I want to embrace all that is ahead as fully as I can, with wide open arms.
Most of my journey into work this morning was cold and crisp, but the sky was clear and bright and you could see for miles. As I turned the corner to head down the hill to work I was met by a fog. I couldn’t even see 200 yards ahead. I turned around to see where I had come from and sure enough I could still see for miles. I turned back to be faced by the fog that seemed to come from no where. It both hid but also gradually revealed the path I was to walk.
I felt that God was really speaking to me through what I saw. I still don’t really understand what I feel or why it brings me to tears so much. I don’t understand why the next few steps seem so unclear. But I trust that God will reveal the things I need to see and know at the right time, and one day I will look back and all will be clear.