Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was really hard.
Yesterday my insecurities were played out on a large screen for all to see…literally.
A couple of weeks ago I was asked if I would mind being filmed discussing my reasons for joining a particular ‘Missional Expression’ at church. And although I hate being filmed (or photographed) I said ‘sure, why not’. I am excited about the potential of these ‘Missional Expressions’ and I’m excited about the particular area I want to get involved in. And I hoped that I might encourage others to be excited about them too.
So, I did the filming and it all seemed to go well. Or that’s what everyone told me.
I knew that it was going to be shown at church yesterday so I got there early enough to get a seat on the very back row. I already wanted to hide.
Then came the film. I knew it wasn’t going to be amazing, but I was at least hoping I would look and sound interesting, excited, passionate…normal. Instead I looked terrified, embarrassed, blotchy and I sounded slightly boring. I hated it.
All the things I had hoped and prayed it wouldn’t be it was. And all the feelings and insecurities I had about myself, the ones I thought I was over, came flooding back. Literally. Tears welled up and began pouring out of my eyes.
I cried because I felt humiliated, vulnerable, exposed.
I cried because I wasn’t what I wanted to be.
I cried because it reminded me of all the times I’ve felt ugly and unattractive before.
I cried because I felt like the girl who got things thrown at her on the school bus (yep, I was that girl!).
I cried because I knew I was living under my insecurities.
I cried because I felt it wasn’t something I could be proud of. Ever.
And that is why I was crying. That’s where my tears were coming from. My pride.
It was hurt. And it was hurt bad!
Then Karl preached on James 3 & 4 and spoke about wisdom, our insecurities and humility and I cried some more. (This is why I sit at the back at church!)
I felt so crushed and vulnerable (and slightly silly for being so emotional) that I didn’t even stay to the end of the service. I couldn’t face seeing anyone and breaking down into more tears. So I went home. And I cried it all out with God, and my amazing husband. (I’m even crying writing this – flippin’ pregnancy hormones!)
I am nothing without God and I can do nothing without Him.
And although I may not look beautiful on the big screen, or have a video I am happy to watch and share with others, I can be beautiful in the way I live my life. And in the love I share with others.
Recently I have felt that God is doing some real work in me. Stretching me, pulling me, revealing things in me, restoring me. It’s hard, and it’s not nice. And it usually induces lots of tears and snot! But I know that it is because God is calling me and is going to use me. And so although it is hard, I long to be challenged because I long to be used by God and see amazing things happen because of Him. I long to share His beauty and His love with others.
I follow a few blogs of photographers and I love this line that Jamie Delaine wrote a few days ago. It has really meant something to me recently.
“Life doesn’t have to be glamorous to be beautiful”