Nearly 8 months

Expanding, Being Everything and Being Unsure

I live in this place where I'm not what I was, but I'm not yet who I want to be. So I just kinda 'hang', waiting for something to happen, something to change. Waiting to become what I see in my mind.

But what if the image I have of what I'm meant to be is wrong, misinformed, distorted?

How do I sift through the endless list of 'ideals' to find which ones are actually me? And why do I have a list of excuses and other people to blame for anything that doesn't match up to my ideals.

The first person on my 'blame list' is usually me but that's because I'm very self critical.

For example, I'd love to read more, sew more, write more, study more, fellowship more. I end the week and find that I haven't managed to do anything more than usual. If I'm honest I've realised I'm naturally a lot lazier than I'd like to think I am (but I'm currently putting a lot of that down to really enjoying my maternity leave and having a very cute and distracting son!)

But I have to wonder whether I want to do all these things because I see others achieving so much and begin the comparison game (the one that no one ever wins). The more I compare the more I try to become everything I see in others and the more I become unsure about what and who is really me.

So, in order to expand on my previous post...and before I go on so long I bore even myself...I'm currently sitting in a place where I feel a bit mixed up. I know that I'm not what/who I used to be but I also know I'm not what/who I want to be. But I don't know how to get there and if there is even the right place to be going. In short, I don't think I've really completely figured out who I am...or have completely defined it yet.

Which is why this post by Bianca both inspires me and challenges me.

I pray that I will 'be who I is' day by day as I learn more about 'who I truly is'.

And one day I hope to inspire others to 'be who they is' too.

Mixed up

If I'm honest I'm a bit of a mix up at the moment. I haven't written anything on here for a few reasons. As soon as I think of something to write about I then have a conflicting thought and decide not to write about anything. You see, I'm a little mixed up.

Maybe it's the weather (maximum temperature of -8C today people...freezing!!) or the fact that I can't believe I'll be returning to work in about 3 weeks (which brings up mixed feelings).

Anyway, I hope to get back to some kind regular posting soon. And hopefully some photos too!

It may look pretty...

...but it's absolutely freezing!!!

I'm not a celebrity...

..but I have been sucked into watching a certain reality jungle themed tv show!

I've only caught bits of it, but enough to follow what's been going on. As I watched the post-final-this-is-what-happened-after-it-finished-show (they don't half managed to drag things on!) it struck me how all the participants had grown together. How they had come to appreciate and need each other.

Without the comforts and securities of their normal lives, I saw people learning to live together in community. People of different ages and backgrounds, with varying life experiences, sharing all the ups and downs of life in difficult circumstances. Helping each other, supporting each other, listening to each other.

But it only happened because they were made to spend time together. There was no hiding behind walls, no running away, no pretending.

How different would our communities be if we chose to spend time with each other? If we exposed our real selves and allowed others to do the same too. If we stopped hiding behind our comforts and securities. If we shared all of our lives even in the difficult times.

And we don't even need to eat bugs or sleep in the jungle to start!

The view...

...although this doesn't accurately show just how much snow we've had in the last few days!

Proof

that I'm a very funny person!

Finding mummy very funny! from Lindsay English on Vimeo.

Sorry for the poor quality. It was taken at night on my mobile phone...just had to get the moment!

Hormental

I was the raging bull and anything he said was the red rag. I wanted a battle and I wanted to win, and apparently I didn't care how much pain I inflicted in the process.

How is it that a few chemicals can turn us from a calm, graceful, gentle swan to a honking, biting, chasing goose?!?!

And why is it we (I) only realise we're being totally horrible and unreasonable after the event?! After the verbal punches have been thrown.

How do I, as a woman wanting to reflect God's love and grace to the world, show the fruit of the spirit when my hormones are making me spit venom? When the only self control I display is eating one tub of ice cream not two.

I think next month I'll just lock myself away for a few days! With the ice cream!