Friday, 17 December 2010

Expanding, Being Everything and Being Unsure

I live in this place where I'm not what I was, but I'm not yet who I want to be. So I just kinda 'hang', waiting for something to happen, something to change. Waiting to become what I see in my mind.

But what if the image I have of what I'm meant to be is wrong, misinformed, distorted?
How do I sift through the endless list of 'ideals' to find which ones are actually me? And why do I have a list of excuses and other people to blame for anything that doesn't match up to my ideals.

The first person on my 'blame list' is usually me but that's because I'm very self critical.

For example, I'd love to read more, sew more, write more, study more, fellowship more. I end the week and find that I haven't managed to do anything more than usual. If I'm honest I've realised I'm naturally a lot lazier than I'd like to think I am (but I'm currently putting a lot of that down to really enjoying my maternity leave and having a very cute and distracting son!)

But I have to wonder whether I want to do all these things because I see others achieving so much and begin the comparison game (the one that no one ever wins). The more I compare the more I try to become everything I see in others and the more I become unsure about what and who is really me.

So, in order to expand on my previous post...and before I go on so long I bore even myself...I'm currently sitting in a place where I feel a bit mixed up. I know that I'm not what/who I used to be but I also know I'm not what/who I want to be. But I don't know how to get there and if there is even the right place to be going. In short, I don't think I've really completely figured out who I am...or have completely defined it yet.

Which is why this post by Bianca both inspires me and challenges me.

I pray that I will 'be who I is' day by day as I learn more about 'who I truly is'.
And one day I hope to inspire others to 'be who they is' too.

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